Just 25

25! Silver jubilee celebration of my existence on the EaRtH.

Frankly speaking it baffles me to think why people should celebrate their birthdays. I mean, yes its perfectly understandable to celebrate your success or achievements but celebrating birthdays does not make any sense. Its something which comes on its own. By Default!

You may say that be happy because you have completed one more year. So, what? Its nothing special I have done. Or is it that we are so fearful to lose life, the so-called gift from HIM, that we celebrate for having not. It smacks of subservience, to be on his mercy for every second that he throws at us. And being a firm believer in the human spirit, I dont bye that.

So what is it that actually makes b day's so spcl. Let us analyze it piece-meal.

Man, by nature, is a social animal. We all crave to be in company of other beings. I dont say that its fear of solitude or something, but that its a plain fact. Then, admit it or not, no matter how much one says that 'I dont love praises, but criticism', the truth is, that most of us actually want to hear nothing but good things about ourselves, and love attention. This is one reason why we feel happy on our b'days.

Secondly, the memories associated. It all starts when one is born. The next year, parents like to celebrate the day in memory of 'the day'. It gives them immense pleasure to celebrate the occasion as one on which they were presented with this Gift by HIM. Again, an act of subservience to HIM. Then, from there on it becomes a tradition, which we blindly pick up, and force us to be happy every next year without actually going into the reason behind it.

Finally, and the most dumbest of all. Its because one sees others celebrate it and feels an inferiority complex of not him/her-self doing it. Yes, its true. I mean I have my grandparents who never ever celebrated their birthday. Infact they dont remember it. Why? Because it was never a part of the vogue of their days, and they never felt a necessity of it. Its true with most of our grandparents. This is a trend which we have picked from the west or is one of the vestiges of our collonial hang-over.

But is it all that grim. No! It does come with a sense of deja-vu. Its time when all your close friends, no matter where they are, call upon you. Parents, Siblings and other family members ring you up and wish you happiness. Your well-wishers show up with a smile to make you happy. And thus actually letting you belive its relevance. In older days the necessity was not felt because we used to be at one place with all our well wishers at arms distance. Those days were marked with so much of bondage, love and closeness among friends and family members that a day on the calendar was not needed for them to express their undying love and ever-lastig affection for each-other. Hence a birthday never existed.

Its true that human progress & success has made the whole world very small, but having said that its equally true that we have gone far away from people who matter to us. And rememberance to them is done by "a day".

No matter how much you try to convince, to me 27th Dec 2005 - the day I experienced 'the first droplet of snow' - much more calls for a celebration than 28th Dec 2005.

Epilogue: Today is my birthday! I am happy because the whole day I spent was busy reading beautiful mails from my parents, brothers, friends and colleagues. The fact that I am away in a foreign country -UK- miles away from my homeland- India has not hindered them to show affection and love. But simultaneously, I am unhappy about the growing distance between one human to and other human, by materialism taking place of values and fast diminishing family ties & friendship.

couplets-for-leaflets

I tried to forget you, but in vain
Don’t be callous, feel my pain;
I am a barren land, u r the Rain,
Please be my friend again!


har kaante tere Raah ke Chun lenge hum....
har sitam tere hash ke sah lenge hum......
Agar kabhi jeee bhar ke tujhe rone ka dil kare............
apne aashun poch, tere badle bhi ro lenge Hum...........


Koi baat nahi jo dil tune mera tod diya....
gam nahi jo mujhe akele tadapta chod diya......
main jaanta hun yeh hasino ki fidrat hain,....
lalchaya, paas aaye aur phir Muh mod liya...........


When I saw you I knew,
u r among the chosen few,
who can fill my heart with joy
with ur fragrance and smiles of dew.


har aah me meri, teri chahat basi hain..
har dua me, teri hi hasrat chupi hain....
ek tu hain jise meri koi parwah nahi ..I
dhar ek jahalak pane ko saanse ruki hain..


BUJDILO ki MAut hume manzoor nahi
Sar apna jhuka le, itne bhi majboor nahi..
Ha raah me mushkile to anek hain,
Lekin dil kahta hain, manzil ab door nahi.........


Ha, is baar sikast humne khayi hain, lekin.........
Apni bhi jeet ki dhwani, sunoge tum, kabhi......


jeevan me itna tanha hun ke aks bhi mere saath nahi,.....
in chanchal nigaho me ab sirf aksho ki barsaat rahi,..
tune saath jab mera chodh diya, ae dost,..
kho gaye, mere saare khwaishe-jajbaat kahi...


tum jab jaam haath me loge to usme meri chavi paoge...
behosh hona chahoge lekin har waqt khud ko hosh me paoge..
meri chand lamhe ki mulakat ne tum per jo asar chodha hain..
yekin hain mujhe, tum use har waqt jigar ke paas paoge........


Tumhari bolti aakho ne jaane kya rahasya bata diya ,
Ke ab jindagi se hume bhi pyaar ho gaya hain,
Kisi ke ishq me ye bhi paagal ho skta hain..
Is nadan dil ke oye aetbaar ho gaya hain..


aap door rah ke bhi humare paas hain..
har waqt aapki ruh ka hume aabhas hain..
aap to meri chahat ko samajh na paaye..
kaise kahe aap humare kitne khaash hain...


hume besabri se tumhara intazaar hain..
tum aayoge jaroor ye aitbaar hain..
lekin ye kambakht dil samajhta hi nahgi..
iske har dharkan me bas teri pukar hain...


aisa bhi waqt aata hai jindagi me..
jab koi paraya apno se jyada apna lagta hai..
sachai se jee katrata hai,..
aur sachcha har sapna lagta hai

Epilogue: Above couplets are result of some sporadic moments of joy which I have experienced in the past. They were written in frivolity and should be read in levity.

GOD - LOVE - LIFE

I am venturing into this forbidden zone (applicable to me) of writing, because I inadvertently or advertently entered another forbidden area (applicable to me) of emotional torpor just few days before. I have not been able to come out of it completely. Why? Probably we will come to know a little later.Yes, I must admit that it was a helluva of experience to undergo such an upheaval of emotions. For a moment I was on the top of the world, at the highest point of optimism, at the zenith of ecstasy, at the pinnacle of the passion, but suddenly the next moment I fell into an abyss of remorse, a chasm of gloominess, a craven of unbearable and inexplicable pain (which was sweet in its own sense). This is none other than the oft-quted, all-pervasive, most revered word called LOVE.

I would like to define LOVE as Liberation Of Violent Emotions. And emotion is nothing but energy in motion. For me LOVE is a verb and not a noun. I don’t know whether it treally exists in its true sense or not or is it just an euphemism coined by this Selfish Animal called MAN to give his ugly interests a façade or graciousness.

Yes, I call MAN a selfish animal because he is so. There is not even a single action which man does which is not self-centered and not intended for the satiety of his personal desires. Joy is the prime reason behind every action of his. This joy may not necessarily be monetary. It depends what is the priority of his desire at that very moment. Some derive joy in renunciation, some enjoy it in sacrifice, some enjoy it by being good where as some enjoy it by being bad. Actually there is no act which is good or bad. Its all defined by MAN himself for himself. Its all intrinsically driven from selfish emotional, physica, mental, spiritual etc. needs of his.

Every scientific development or endeavour which MAN is undertaking is for making his own life simpler and comfortable. Man propogates peace not because he is peaceful by nature but because he knows that if thee is peace in the world he is safe. If the person in front is good, it is to his own advantage.

I started by intiating LOVE and where have I digressed to. Its because this is what I am. I myself don’t what I am and what I will be the next moment. I don’t have any clear Idea who I am.

If contemplated seriously, I am actually a Chameleon. Yes one who adapts himself to his surroundings soon. Why? To impress people around him so that they will throw some bits of praise towards my ever-craving soul. I am a highly impatient fellow, who does not have enough couraze to tread his way carefully and thoughtfilly. I am one who knows that he is worthless, clumsy fellow one who wants to usurp success without having tried hard by deceiving people. I am a wastrel, one who enjoys wasting time. I am one who is consistently inconsistent fellow, who is himself not aware of his aspirations and is driven by the crowd. Also, I am one who wants to govern the life of the people around me in my own way. One who wants his whims and fancies to be the unquestionable law of the land which every one should abide by. I am a Narcissist.

But then why am I like this. Is it because I want to be like this. In all my senses NO. Then why I am so. May be because of my past experiences. Your presnt is nothing but a reflection of the past or a reflection how you allowed your past to mould you. This experience which you have gone through make your present and the presnt experience will shape up and determine you in your future. I was one who ws considered worthless by all except by my Grand ma and Grand pa ( they were the only ones who genuinely loved me and who knows thi may be out of pity). And deep inside I too knew that I am worthless (or may be by the time I became conscious of my senses, this had already got into my psyche).

But this could not eat into my drive to be powerful. To be one who and only who will be the last hope for the people around him. To whom people will come come for their needs and who will earn their admiration and praise by satisfying them. One who is Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnipresent. The desire to be the almighty.
These two contrasting emotions combined to give birth to my present state. One who wants to appropriate glory as soon as possible. One who is always craving for appreciation, recognition without actually owning it.

But then who made me like this. Who is responsible for what I am now good or bad? I believe that the people of whole world can be broadly divided into 2 zones based on their similarity of nature and deeds (not to say in exact proportions). Draw a circle and divide it from middle into parts by lazily drawing a curvy line. Now shade the one half black leaving a small part of it unscathed. This half can called the zone of devils (wrong doers). And in the other half leave the entire part unblemished except a small part blackened. This half can be called the Zone of Deities (right doers). The Zone of devils depicts the conscience and the nature bad people where as the Zone ofDeities depicts that of the Right people. Catch is that even the morally correct people has a small part of immorality in them and every morally incorrect people has some part of morality in him.

But then what is this morality and immorality. Didn’t I tell that man is a selfish animal. Yes, this morality,immorality, ethics, etc. are all figments of Man’s imaginations. These have been devised so that he can live his life enjoyingly. Religion is nothing other than a dogma of rules and regulations which are meant to secure the life of humanity. The talk of virtue is all craps.

Every person in this world is acting. In everyday vicissitudes of our life we do nothing but act. We all arre perfect actors religiously following the script fed into our unconscious, conscious and subconscious mind. We seamlessly pick up a variety of roles, so to say that of a friend, a brother, a sister, a son, a daughter, a mother, a colleague, an employee, an employer, etc and act it out immaculately. Just think for a moment and introspect aren’t we all acting? We know this but yet we do this because every one does this and so we have convinced ourselves that this is what is our natural demeanour. But its not. We have so much habituated to this type of living that it is difficult for us to even tell ourselves tat we are not our natural selevs.

Some say that this is what is life. This is how GOD who created us wants us to behave. We will come to GOD later first let us delve into life. Didn’t some say that LIFE is a gift from GOD. But I say it is a curse. Yes, had life been a gift of god there would not have been so much suffering in our lives. Did we choose to come onto this earth. NO, we never, we were forced to do so. Did we choose our parents, our brother, our birth place, our body. NO. MAN is an intelligent being. He devised his own fallacious theories such as LIFE is a gift so that he has an alibi to cater to his selfish needs in a legitimate way.

Oh I allured you by initiating on the most alluring topic of LOVE and instead has beguiled you to read all sorts of weird things. But didn’t I tell you that I am consistently inconsistent. And it has got so much ingrained in my character that it reflects in every thing I do.

Love IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN ON EARTH. Who said? Music is the food of love. Who said. We should respect food. Who said? All wee said by us, an intelligent selfish animal called MAN. We can see a connection between these three sayings. W e all want LOVE, MUSIC and FOOD so what did we do. We legitimized these things by creating such sermons. Isn’t it selfishness. No, they will argue that LOVE is not our creation but the creation of GOD. Even man is the creation of GOD, some would say a small entity or integral part of GOD himself.

So, every thing seems to have a beginning from this word GOD. Let me make myself clear that I am a great believer in GOD. I belive in all gods ( or to keep things simple 1 GOD). Every day I beg before him to fulfill my one or the other desire. I am a great fatalist. I believe that everything has already been planned and well-documented by HIM,, why? (will come to it later). So there’s no point in trying hard. I cannot say this, because who will be the person who will keep trying to meet his goal and who wont is also well – documented. He has everything planned. I don’t believe in him out of respect but because of fear (and so do others). We all know that he is all powerful. We propitiate him, praise him to get all our needs fulfilled, again I repeat it may be any of our varied needs. We are so weak an entity that we cannot do away without him. But ten why re we like this?
The answer is because he has made us so. GOD is nothing but can be considered a eing who wanted some some thing for his recreation. He wanted to have some fun and nop doubt he is all powerful. So what did he do. He created planets, moons, stars, galaxies, milkyway, black hole,.. etc. But then it was something very plain and unexciting. So now he concentrated on a planet called EARTH. He created oxygen, nitrogen… etc., rivers, clouds, fire, wind, .. etc. Still it was not kicking. So he created microbes, bacteria, viruses, fish, animal. Still it was not providing him much entertainment. So he created MAN who will constantly provide him great drama. He created MAN out of himself and gave infinitesimally small magnitude of his own power but with limitations. That’s we are a bit more powerful specie compared to other species. But then this was a risky endeavour. Creating some one having even a googleth of his own power was risky because may be when this specie gets multiplied over the time can result into his own ‘FRANKENSTIEN’’. Then there is a chance that his own existence may get threatened. So, he wanted to play on a safer side. He said it to himself that ok I will give MAN a bit of power of himself but will also give some weaknesses so that he remains obsessed. He also thought of making the specie self-destructive so that it doesn’t keep multiplying always. And so came what we call the ultimate reality ‘DEATH’ into being.
So, what did he do? He programmed us in such a way that our life will not be for eternity. He planned different stages in our life to ad excitement to the game. He gave MAN, eyes, nose, brain, hands as assets but also gave stomach, tongue, skin, etc. as liabilities which would keep him obsessed with its requirements. He made us in such a way that we would require food to keep us alive and so our much of energy and time in working for it. That’s why I don’t find interest in food. Because every time I sit to eat it reminds me how weak we are. He would be so much pleased when he sees us eating and taking pride that his plan is working as inteneded. We are wasting our time in this wasteful of activity when we should have been trying to out do him. He gave us hunger so that we are not able to concentrate or direct our time and energy towards doing anything that will challenge him. And not only hunger he gave us emotions, he gave us the urge to cry, he gave us the desire to laugh, to pander to our senses. He gave us vanity, selfishness. He pitted us against each other. The prime motive behind all was to make us self destructive. Because he made us selfish, he knew that MAN would every moment try to reach his supremacy. To replace him.

Most of our time in life is wasted in indulging to ourselves. And we humans those people successful who could indulge themselves the most. Oblivious to the fact that this all has been made by him. We are all acting and he is enjoying the fun.

First 15 years we remain depenedent on our elders, then the next 30-35 years when we have the energy and senses in which we can do things which can challenge him we are obsessed with stuffs like love, happiness, sex, money, sports, etc. Then by the time we realize the futility of our acts we have already reached age of 50-60 years and are sapped of enthusiasm and verve to do something to out do him and leave ourselves to his mercy.
But he has also given a slight power to us which if brought into constructive attempt to collectively challenge his omnipotence can result in tangible outcomes. This is evident from the very fact that we have already done things which used to be considered his sole propriety. This may be amusing him as well as fearing him little. Any way he must be enjoying the game as its becoming dangerously exciting day by day.


We reached moon, are venturing into other planets, are able to stroll in the space.We have learnt to to duplicate ourselves (genome). We overcame so many diseases which posed a threat to the mankind. Thes were nothing but obstacles created by him to divert our attention from challenging his supremacy. When polio was overcome, cancer was introduced before us, when cancer could be controlled AIDS has been thrown as the threat. These are all his moves. And he is enjoying it. He is finding it exciting to see that his own created Lilliputians are trying to usurp his own greatness. On one side we are providing him drama by acting what we are, showing him LOVE, HATRED, etc and on the other part we are also devoted to nullify him.

He created all the characters for his own amusement which play different types of roles as and hwen he wants them to be. That’s why all human beings are unique. No two peron is same in every respect because why would he want it to be. He introduces new characters for some change. Because he wanted to have a character like that of Sachin Tendulkar, he introduced him. Because he wanted a character like Schumacher he introdued him. He wanted to have a character called Mahatama Gandhi so he introduced him, because he wanted to have one like Osama Bin Laden he cast him.

He even made believe people visualize him differently in the name of Ram,Jesus, allah , etc. This would be giving hijm so much amusement seeing people create him differently and fight for it. He is so powerful that he has control over every persons lives. His skill of man-management must be great.

But even if we all unite in all our senses and start working with the single purpose of usurping his position will we be successful. May Be. But then he would have definitely kept a contingency plan ready. Suppose after billions of years henceforth, MAN finally comes very close to reach him. Then at that moment I feel he would have no alternative but to devastate the whole universe and to start a new game afresh. May be this time he will like to have Square shaped Moons, Square shaped suns, Plate like planets, etc. May be man will appear on the earth as an old man, grow young and then leave this world as a child. It can be anything, all depending on his own whims and fancies, how he wnts his new game to be.

This all may seem ridiculous to those who doubt his existence on the very first hand. Who are atheist and are living their live as well as we are. They are infidels but don’t seem to be undergoing any punishment by him for not believing in his existence at all. And these people will question that if GOD existed then wouldn’t he like to make them also fall to his feet. And it doesn’t seem to be happening. Why? The point is that we are not able to see through his plans. He wants us to be confused whether he finally exists or not. The questions like ‘IF GOD EXISTS CAN HE BUILD SUCH A HIGH WALL OVER WHICH HE CAN NOT JUMP’ may seeeem to be logical to us but what is our level of understanding. We are minusucles infron of his colossal presence.

Epilogue: This was written when I, for the 1st time, took writing seriously. Before this I had written some poems in Hindi but that time I used to write for some end-result not as a thing of enjoyment.

the last call

love .............................. Ooooo love...

love ........................HMmmmmmmm my love!...

Come and see, I am a

piti-able sight

searching in every shadow

for your light ...

love .............................. Ooooo love...

love ........................HMmmmmmmm my love!...

my breath in synch

with waves of ur breath..

a wince on ur face

n my heart goes an endless depth..

love .............................. Ooooo love...

love ........................HMmmmmmmm my love!...

the rush in my blood

is what u feel...

my eyes follow ur moves

with frenetic zeal...

love .............................. Ooooo love...

love ........................HMmmmmmmm my love!...

world around me

is crumbling down!

my face now wears

an eternal frown..

love .............................. Ooooo love...

love ........................HMmmmmmmm my love!...

lost in the crowd

i am a forlorn child

struggling hopelessly

with every gloomy tide..

love .............................. Ooooo love...

love ........................HMmmmmmmm my love!...

come and lend me

ur caring tender hand

end this perdition..

oh my love, .. my frnd!..

love .............................. Ooooo love...

love ........................HMmmmmmmm my love!...

--to an elusive dream...

Epilogue: Above lines capture what can be called the ultimate clarion call. Its an SOS from a s-o-u-l to another s-o-u-l. A 'luv-song' of a dying soul.

denouement

Feeling which should have vanished has stayed ..

with all its fragrance and freshness intact..

dauntily facing the vagaries of life..

all time passes away but the sweet pain stays there..

its originality and virginity unblemished.

So, have i failed in it?

No, one who goes thru this baptism by fire can ever fail..

It produces only victors..the reckless pioneers who have the mettle..

to face the fictitious truth on face...

in their own passionate creative way.

Those who say that they failed in it..

did not experience it on the first hand.

may be they were after an illusory Oasis..

when mirage disappeared they were facing the sirocco.

On the contrary, it enriches you with an experience..

that ennobles the character..

the silent sobs purify the soul..

and thou emerge an enlightened entity..

thou always rise in love, never fall.

This is the tryst with the concept of love..

LOVE: the Libertion Of Violent Emotions

-- a liberated soul speaks.

Epilogue: This was written when I was had entered the 3rd phase of my love life. When I had understood that harbouring true-love feelings itself is in a reward itself. Beacuse it happens by the will of the ultimate and that he chose one for this, is a testimony of his special attention to oneself. Having undergone this virtuous, MAN begins to see the real purpose of life. It completey deciphers us the meaning of gita-mantra: "Karmanye Wadhikaraste Ma Faleshu Kadachana", that 'Karma is all that matters, Fal is immaterial'.

soulmate

Hey,

I want u to gift me ur trust..

and unleash all ur pent-up grief.

I want you to weep inconsolably over my shoulder..

with firm faith that each sob will b given its due hearing.. I

want u to pull my ears, when i go wrong..

and bring me back to the path forcibly in a motherly way..

i want u to tolearte all my tantrums..

with steely confidence that finally i will come back to u..

I want u to share all ur feelings...

to entrsut upon me all ur secrecy..

with this undulating faith that..

those will go with me to the grave..

i wish to pull ur daffodill cheeks apart..

and bring a beatific smile .. in ur despondency..

I want 2 watch u with a faint smile doing salsa on my face...

while u r busy narrating ur experiences,..

I want to know all ur dreams...

to know all the small cherubic desires u harbour.. I

want u to demand with all urgency... my attention, my time, my care... my love.

I wish to tease u abt ur looks..

and amuse myself in ur inevitable innocent blushes..

I wish to flirt with ur ear lobes, ur hair locks..

and to let u know the nuances of my romanticism,.. like a dream-come-true lover....

i wish to sketch the path via which..

the smiles on ur lips come into ur eyes...

I wish to treat u like my doll, and take care of all ur demands, however silly..

in a religiously brotherly way..

I want ur energy to b in communion with my energy,

rejuvenating each other every moment..

I want u to b my teacher, expalining the subtelities of life..

and me unquestioningly believing in it..

I want to make fun of you....

make u feel like an idiot but silently admire ur intelligence..

And we two giving the world a music to celebrate

in our inextricably mixed mellifluous chuckles..

I wish to be privy of all ur innate emotions..

ur laugh, ur tears, ur depression, ur fear, ur embarrasment...

I wish to have this feeling that i will b the 1st to come to ur mind..

when u decide to share any of ur imminent feelings..

I wish to b asked to help u..

to decide btwn the alternatives..

and me pretending to suggest u...

knowing that finally u will have ur way..

I want you to keep correcting me

about my demeanour, my attire, my look like the concerned better half ..

and me behaving like an erratic younger sibling

just in want of more attention ...

i want you to enrich every breath of mine..

with the consciousness that is absolute,

with the energy which is creative ..

I want u to give my eyes the tears it has lost...

to wake me from the dormancy..

with the solemn kiss, and angelic glow on your face

showing me the way to divinity..

I want you to teach me ..

to cry, to smile, to love, every thing that a dying soul needs for re-incarnation..

I want the glint in my eyes to be there in yours ..

I wish that we both stroll in clouds..

hand in hand like 2 childs oblivious to this world..

Both helping transcend each other..

listen...the child in me speaks to the child in u......

--to a relationship impossible to confine in a word,

--to an unbridled passion..

Epilogue: Above lines capturing the over-powering true feelings that I had for a gal. It was not love. It was a concept of friendship in its purest form, similar to one which you find in hearts at a very tender age, age when we are have not untouched & ignorant from the hypcricy, duplicity, maturity, selfishness of the arould around us. It was not for nothing that someone said 'Ignorance Is Bliss'. Above is a tete-a-tete between two souls where one confides his innate desires into the other.

Unquenched Oceans

When I delved into the centripetal phenomenon(s),
the perfect un-conjoined twins..
I was lost in the intensity of its endless depth..
and in the stillness of the fleeting moments
the strings of my heart were strummed by her whispering silence..

I dont know what conspired between the two souls..
yes, I skipped some beats..
wished the time to stop and moments be frozen..

Can still feel the warmth of the captivating whirlpools..
with pull stronger than the gravitational ‘g’ ..
allow your heart the slightest of liberty
and you are drawn in the high M F zone...

It invites to explore the clandestine truth
it tantalisingly conceals....
with a perceptiple fear of getting lost
in the labyrinth ahead ..

but its innocent charm so unbearable to evade..

There lies the horizon, where
heaven and earth willingly meet..
where fiction and reality embrace each other..
where emotions rule and suck you in its merry-go-round..
where exists the alchemy of pain and ecstasy.

There is some thing in me which takes me
back to those flashing stills of capitulation..
and wants me to belive that there
lies the elixir.. the rendezvous of hope and despair..


It left an indelible mark on
my body, mind, heart and soul..
and marked the beginning of the platonic love..
may be 1 sided..

-- to the moment when I came on the edge of falling in love
-- to the moment in which I lived a googol light-years..

Epilogue: The above MoNoLoGuE is one of my best. It describes the charm of 'the lively eyes' which arrested me and will continue to behlod me forever. Its actually inspired by someone who brought me closest to falling in love. This captures the phase which actually erased all skepticism that I till now had about TRUE-LOVE. It made all the madness- we have heard and seen people doing when they are in lUv- appear SenSiblE. This fleeting brush with its glance was powrful enough to make me truly believe inthe stories of Romeo-Juliet, Heer-Ranjha, Laila-Majnu, etcetera. That it actually happened and that it actually happens. That taking ones own life and taking others life 'jUSt fOr luV' is not stupidity. And I deeply feel that every human being who has experienced true-love is a fortunate one, that he has actually experienced a conversation with God, that he has understood the true meaning of lIfE and that he has become more Human then what he really was. The Power of Love is really HIS POWER.

Leave - Note

I am here by writing my final note which i want this world to read after i am not there. I am writing this, as it is custom for some one who has comiited suicide to explain the reason of his doing so, just like before taking some one's life it is civility to ask for his last wish, or to put it in simple words, like before one takes a leave its customry that one provides a 'leave note'.

But then why write it now, as I am myself not sure when am I going to commit this ultimate act. Its because may be in the time ahead, I may get so much busy that I might forget to perform this last ritual or may be that i may become involved so much in the haste of things that i may not be able to do justice to this divine attempt and may carry on the guilt with me ever after.
And then it would be sacrilegious on part of this pious endeavour.

Yes, i call it pious, unlike what this world calls it as an act of cowardice. Believe me, it takes a lot of courage to exterminate yourself without any remorse. Yes, I may agree that finishing oneself in a fit of anger, on the knee-jerk reaction to a particular experience, is cowardice and a disgraceful capitulation to the circumstances. And this provides me another solid reason to write this when i dont have one.

I have always felt cheated and one as who has been fooled by being pushed in this earth and made to live. My wish was never asked as to what actually I needed from life. Whether I want to be be foln. I was burdened with this life and was forced to believe it as a gift. But i wont succumb to HIS tactics.

Ok, I was not asked to judge whether I need life or not, but i will definitely like to have my say as to when I want to quit it. I believe that life is a curse, yes a curse on the human kind. Each one of us is paying for some act of ours which has peeved him and he wants to punish us by going through this ORDEAL. Sooner one finishes his share of punishment, the sooner he will be relieved of it. And I have this gut feeling that i will have to go through this ordeal much larger than others, which, provides me another reason to call HIS bluff much before his whims and hving the last laugh. But then wont be I defying him and inviting another such perdition from him for this act of audacity(to him). May be, but than I will like to have a battle with him, lets see who concedes first.

But then I should have another reason also. Why am i not able to live like other people have managed to. No, I cannot. This world is too formal for me to follow. I hate this stereotypical society which takes pride in carrying the baggage of past. The cliche 'there is no FUTURE in the PAST' does not makes any sense to it. Or may be I am too eccentric for this so normal apposite world. May be this world is not mature enough to understand my ways. Rather it is "matured enough" not to comprehend the immaturity in me (a rare example of maturity failing in front of immaturity and made to appear like a dumb stupid fool).

I am too complex to be resolved and also I have given up any expectataion from this so simple world to try to solve this riddle in me. Too much to ask for. Actually, they are not capable of. There is something in me which wants me to believe that not everything is right with this world and its people, but they want me to believe, on the contrary , that i am a misfit.

"Either change the ambience or acclimitaze to it."

No i wont be able to change the situation, the hard-ingrained mindset. But then i wont make any compromise also. I will end myself and graciously accept the defeat. Then they will sneer at me saying this is what a perfect loser recreant does. OK.

"If sheepishly, silently following the oft-trodden path is valour then i prefer to be a coward."

"If following the illusion with zest is enthusiasm then i am willing to be clumsy."

"If standing on the cadavers is winning then i have no guilt in being a loser."

They say that LIFE is a responsibility. You are among the lucky fews that you have been endowed with it, so try to stand up to it in the best possible way you can, be a WARRIOR.
But if its a responsibilty then was i asked to volunteer for it. No, i wasn't. My wish was not taken into consideration, rather not thought important to ask for. I was taken for granted. And if its a responsibilty then shouldn't I be given the full command of my destiny in my own hands. But no, this RIGHT has been DENIED.

Everythis has been fixed. The day and the way Ii will be leaving this world has also been well-documented. So why all this farce about. I wont prefer to be a puppet in HIS hands. I will ont be like a DUPE who is bookishly adhereing to the sermons in his dogma, thinking that he is living up to the task in his own creative way, when infact he is just dancing to HIS tunes and being an item of HIS amusement.

Still if life is a responsibilty I am consciously shunning it.

I will shoot myslef in the middle of my forehead, with full control and without any grief & fear. But I wont feel the pain, because my heart has taken so much of blows that it has become insensitive, my pachyderm callous and my tears exhausted.

May be I am not suited for this world so let me exorcise this world of the demon called "ME".

last wish: dont call this an act of infatutaion with death but a consummate marriage.

Epilogue: Above thoughts of mine emanates from my confusion about the existence of a supernatural power.

Jumpin' Jaks

As soon as I entered it, I felt good. It was enthralling to see most of the young crowd of stevenage (and adjoining parts) swaying there in one big hall. It was all festive, rock music on the record, wine & beer in hands, and beauties all around. It was very cool, guys and gals were all very relaxed in easy outfits determinedto enjoy every bit of this frdiay eve.

The dancing floor was 2 steps lower than the floor and there, at present only few svelte skirts were rocking tothe tunes. DJ, on a stage 8 feet higher, was playing the foot-tapping numbers and exhorting the crowd to plunge into the dancefloor. My frnd handed me a glass of beer without disturbing my reconnoitre of enchanting faces. I analysed each and every facethere, savoring every making myself familiar with the surroundings. But still the spunk was missing. Folks were thumping to themusic but only at their places, with dance floor still empty except some high-charged tipsy dolls displaying theirmoves.

I soon knew where I wanted to be. Right up there, on the center of the stage, in the midst of the lights and all eyes on me.But was waiting for the dance floor to get filled up. When I took second glass in my hand, I jumped into the arena and my body was soon depicting each note on record. As I was alone dancing amdist of strangers all around, I looked for opportunitiesto graciously sneak into any of the dance groups already formed. Like smoking and drinking, dancing becomes more delightful in the company of partners.

I soon made myself friendly with two other young guys. And soon we made three other well-endowed dames join our group.No intros , no hi, just letting eyes do the talking and smiles replying. Soon it appeared as we were all long time friends while in reality I didnt even know their names. Then one of our mate took an empty beer bottle and spinned it on the ground. It stopped withits mouth pointing towards one of the gals in the group. They agreedily shared a kiss and I understood the game. Again after one two numbers the other boy spinned it,but to his misfortune the bottled stopped pointing to the former guy, they laughed but still shared a kiss, leaving the gals giggling and me horrified.

One of the gals was just right for me. Right height, great shapes, pretty look, full of energy and endearing smile. We were exchaging glances for a long time and she had realised that I had marked her. After 2-3 songs, the boy who had started the game asked me to take the turn now. I took to the initiative both with hope and fear. Hope that if stops in the direction of my gal of the nite,then it would be like manana from heaven, and fear that if it stops pointing to any of the guys it would be a torture.But then, no game without risk so I spinned the bottle with all my heart beseeching it to stop in the direction I wanted. It was like I was playing the biggest gamble of my life and I just did not want to lose it. But as lady and luck both have been alien to me, the bottle did not stop on the gal I wanted, but hold on, on the positive side it did not stop pointing to any boys. I heaved a sigh ofrelief and dismay. Before I could make myself aware of what I need to do, the gal gracioulsy walked up to me, easily hugged me and left the warmthof her cheeks on my cheeks. I was left there numbed. Believe me, the kick was much more stronger than a score of tequila shots.

Now, I was fully charged and my body swerves were in perfect resonance with the rythum of the musical numbers. Numbers like 'Ole-Ole' and 'we will,we will rock you' had the crowd go wild. Lyrics did not matter and also the fact that most of the songs was unfamiliar to me,it was all music which was doing the magic. And I giving it full respect by tripping the light fantastic toe energetically.It never occured that I was in a foreign country, with britons all around, it never mattered that the colour of their skin and mine was different,the truth was we were all bundle of same emotions in different proportions, enjoying ourselves and celebrating life.

I grudgingly left the place at 2:00 am in the morning, all because my frnds were insisting on its being too late and also that we had to travel 10-12 milesor so. In the end the trip all the way from welwyn was worth taking.

Epilogue: The above passage recounts my first experience of a 'light-hug' and 'cheek-to-cheek' kiss from a gal. This happened when I was in the year 2005 when I was in Welwyn Garden City, UK.

forlorn-flight

alone in the sky

i just want to fly..

oceans beneathe me

whole world in my eye..

dont wanna be

a tethered kite

struggling to free

all my life...

modicum scope of

space to wander

wishes, hopes and

ambitions surrendered..

somehow when managed

to break the knot ..

realized that slavery

made me oblivious to float..

handicapped, in despair

sinking down the air..

ungraciously defeated

without tasting freedom ever..

Epilogue: This poem of mine in a way describes my innate desire. It says that I would prefer to live a life of a vagabond, that of a forlorn-lovelorn fella than compromising my freedom. The most prized thing for every human being is his freedom and there is simply nothing with which it can be traded-off not even LOVE. The poem is still incomplete.