...on crossroads, with each road ending on its own…

I don’t know why but these days I am completely lost and aimless. I feel I am in dire need of the passion and drive which I always possessed but which has just evaporated for the past few some months.

I don’t know but no matter whatever I decide to do or feel like doing I instantly find it purposeless - it’s like my soul is craving for one thing (which I don’t know what), my mind is pulling me towards the other and the body is acting in an entirely different direction. I can see myself being torn-apart but don’t know which way to organize the things. I am clueless. I have lost the sensibility to make sense out of things.

It is so enthusiasm-sapping ... the bewilderment is ruining me.. all my ambitions (that I till now had) lie beside on my bed unattended.. and when I see them it never feels like my own... I have lost the only trait which kept me going all these days – competitiveness.

I have tried to juggle with this conundrum but each time I attempt to sort out my mess I find myself at the dead-end of faculty to come up with a genuine answer. All my quest for the answer end in vain.

What should I do?.. what do I want to do?.. which road should I take to?.. why am I doing what I am doing?.. what is my purpose?.. why do I exist?.. these questions keep haunting me every now and then.. nothing seems to hold me even for five minutes.. and each time I think not to think and avow to myself to remain motivated, the very next moment the veil of optimism starts to slip-off my grip and I allow it to become naked..

I want to do everything and I am doing nothing… just flummoxed by the no of options I have or by the no of tasks I want to balance at a time.. I am struggling with all my ambitions… I am struggling to say ‘no’.. I am struggling in identifying my correct aim.. to be specific I am struggling in being honest to myself.

If 'loss of sustained enthusiasm is the greatest form of bankruptcy' than I am bankrupt.. I am dead!

Epilogue: capturing my feelings during my days of confusion