Leave - Note

I am here by writing my final note which i want this world to read after i am not there. I am writing this, as it is custom for some one who has comiited suicide to explain the reason of his doing so, just like before taking some one's life it is civility to ask for his last wish, or to put it in simple words, like before one takes a leave its customry that one provides a 'leave note'.

But then why write it now, as I am myself not sure when am I going to commit this ultimate act. Its because may be in the time ahead, I may get so much busy that I might forget to perform this last ritual or may be that i may become involved so much in the haste of things that i may not be able to do justice to this divine attempt and may carry on the guilt with me ever after.
And then it would be sacrilegious on part of this pious endeavour.

Yes, i call it pious, unlike what this world calls it as an act of cowardice. Believe me, it takes a lot of courage to exterminate yourself without any remorse. Yes, I may agree that finishing oneself in a fit of anger, on the knee-jerk reaction to a particular experience, is cowardice and a disgraceful capitulation to the circumstances. And this provides me another solid reason to write this when i dont have one.

I have always felt cheated and one as who has been fooled by being pushed in this earth and made to live. My wish was never asked as to what actually I needed from life. Whether I want to be be foln. I was burdened with this life and was forced to believe it as a gift. But i wont succumb to HIS tactics.

Ok, I was not asked to judge whether I need life or not, but i will definitely like to have my say as to when I want to quit it. I believe that life is a curse, yes a curse on the human kind. Each one of us is paying for some act of ours which has peeved him and he wants to punish us by going through this ORDEAL. Sooner one finishes his share of punishment, the sooner he will be relieved of it. And I have this gut feeling that i will have to go through this ordeal much larger than others, which, provides me another reason to call HIS bluff much before his whims and hving the last laugh. But then wont be I defying him and inviting another such perdition from him for this act of audacity(to him). May be, but than I will like to have a battle with him, lets see who concedes first.

But then I should have another reason also. Why am i not able to live like other people have managed to. No, I cannot. This world is too formal for me to follow. I hate this stereotypical society which takes pride in carrying the baggage of past. The cliche 'there is no FUTURE in the PAST' does not makes any sense to it. Or may be I am too eccentric for this so normal apposite world. May be this world is not mature enough to understand my ways. Rather it is "matured enough" not to comprehend the immaturity in me (a rare example of maturity failing in front of immaturity and made to appear like a dumb stupid fool).

I am too complex to be resolved and also I have given up any expectataion from this so simple world to try to solve this riddle in me. Too much to ask for. Actually, they are not capable of. There is something in me which wants me to believe that not everything is right with this world and its people, but they want me to believe, on the contrary , that i am a misfit.

"Either change the ambience or acclimitaze to it."

No i wont be able to change the situation, the hard-ingrained mindset. But then i wont make any compromise also. I will end myself and graciously accept the defeat. Then they will sneer at me saying this is what a perfect loser recreant does. OK.

"If sheepishly, silently following the oft-trodden path is valour then i prefer to be a coward."

"If following the illusion with zest is enthusiasm then i am willing to be clumsy."

"If standing on the cadavers is winning then i have no guilt in being a loser."

They say that LIFE is a responsibility. You are among the lucky fews that you have been endowed with it, so try to stand up to it in the best possible way you can, be a WARRIOR.
But if its a responsibilty then was i asked to volunteer for it. No, i wasn't. My wish was not taken into consideration, rather not thought important to ask for. I was taken for granted. And if its a responsibilty then shouldn't I be given the full command of my destiny in my own hands. But no, this RIGHT has been DENIED.

Everythis has been fixed. The day and the way Ii will be leaving this world has also been well-documented. So why all this farce about. I wont prefer to be a puppet in HIS hands. I will ont be like a DUPE who is bookishly adhereing to the sermons in his dogma, thinking that he is living up to the task in his own creative way, when infact he is just dancing to HIS tunes and being an item of HIS amusement.

Still if life is a responsibilty I am consciously shunning it.

I will shoot myslef in the middle of my forehead, with full control and without any grief & fear. But I wont feel the pain, because my heart has taken so much of blows that it has become insensitive, my pachyderm callous and my tears exhausted.

May be I am not suited for this world so let me exorcise this world of the demon called "ME".

last wish: dont call this an act of infatutaion with death but a consummate marriage.

Epilogue: Above thoughts of mine emanates from my confusion about the existence of a supernatural power.